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The Report the Earth Invasion In-Charge’s Subordinate Sent Is Extremely Strange.

Author : Ninja no Satou

Synopsis :

The report that an alien with the plan of invading Earth had written and a mail a  woman had sent to her lover got mixed up and became strange.

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Ralrun from the planet of Nubedov, who had been entrusted to the Earth Invasion In-Charge, wrote a report to his boss, the Commander-in Chief Buglatt. Ralrun strongly advocated to 『Commence an All-Out Attack on Earth Right Away and Bring Mankind to Ruin』in the report.
The contents of the report are as follows.

#####

Respected Lord[1] General Buglatt
Earth Invasion In-Charge Ralrun

Five years have passed since I undertook the duty of the invasion of earth and began investigating this planet.
During the period of these five years, I have taken all the data on mankind as well as all living things.
Be it voraciously reading the news day after day, investigating the history of humans, repeatedly dissecting humans, I have thoroughly studied up.
As a result, I understood that even the greatest brains amongst the mankind haunting this planet, without even having much muscle power, are existences equivalent to worms to us Nubedovians.
In spite of that, this inferior human race has imprudently monopolised this abundant planet「Earth」as if it were they own it.
It seems, as Commander-in Chief said five years ago, we Nubedovians must control this planet at once after all!
The way of thinking of the King who wants coexistence and co-prosperity is too pacifist!
There is but a single organisation that has a force that can resist our attack on this earth. Therefore, we must quickly launch an all-out attack before the invasion force crosses over to the destination! We must engage them in a bloodbath!
I have already made preparations for the missile carrying the genocidal bomb above the satellite orbit.
If we launch it, it will surely reduce a continent to ashes in ten seconds.
While trying to escape, even the best of friends will be scrambling for the limited resources, hating each other, killing each other, in despair due to heat and thirst and mankind will surely die slowly!
It might be better to annihilate them all at once, but I think it will be fun to see them killing each other.
The great Lord General Buglatt!
Now take a wise decision! Release the hammer of justice on this stupid mankind right away!
Glory to our mother planet Nubedov!!!

ラールン
Ralrun
*****

At the same time, feeling lonely being left behind by her war photographer lover, Aoi decided to write a mail to her lover. In it, Aoi emotionally wrote about 「Cooking, My Colleague Getting Married and I Want You to Quickly Come Home to Japan」.

However, due to a computer virus and by accident, Ralrun’s report and the mail 「Aoi」wrote got mixed together.

Because of that, the mail that reached the Commander-in-Chief Buglatt became somewhat strange.

***
★In Planet Nubedov

Commander-in-Chief Buglatt : 「Ohh, the report from Ralrun came. He made me wait for five years, so…… . The preparations for the Earth Invasion must be thorough, right? Kukuku, well well.」

***

To Buglatt
《Oi, you’re addressing me casually all of a sudden, are you?》

From the Earth Invasion In-Charge Blue Ralrun
《What’s with the primary colour!》

Five years and three months have passed since I undertook the duty of the invasion of earth and began investigating this onion.
《What the heck were you[2] doing in these five years!?》

During the period of these five years, I have taken all the data on Lord General Buglatt.
《Eh? Me!?[3]》i

Be it voraciously reading Buglatt day after day, investigating the history of Buglatt , repeatedly dissecting Buglatt, I have thoroughly studied up.
《I don’t have any memory of you dissecting me!》

As a result, I understood that even the greatest brains of Buglatt, without even having much muscle power,
《I’m being completely made into a fool!!》

Are existences equivalent to Mom to us Yui-chans.
《Who are you!?》

In spite of that, this inferior Buglatt has imprudently
《You bastard! I won’t forgive you anymore!!》

Monopolised this great I.
《You’re acting way too excessively self-conscious !!》

Stupid, Kiss me after all!
《He turned dere?[4]

Hug me tightly! Lightly engage me in bloodbath!
《What kind of play is this!》

The Mirin[5] of the King who Mirin co-existence and co-prosperity is too Mirin Mirin!
《You’re a cicada[6] or what!!?》

There is but a single organisation that has a force that can resist my kiss on this earth.
《You’re too disgusting!》

Therefore, we must quickly get married before the invasion force crosses over to the destination!!!
《Absolutely Not!!》

I have already made preparations for a carrot carrying the Nikujaga[7] above the satellite orbit.
《You’re threatening me! It seems delicious though!?》

If we launch my carrots, Lord General Buglatt will surely become beautiful and happy in ten seconds.
《What do you intend to do!?》

Making a mistake with the quantity of Mirin and trying to escape, even the best of carrots will be scrambling for the limited resources, hating each other, killing each other, in despair due to heat and thirst; and we will eat nutritious things slowly!
《I don’t get it!》

It might be better to annihilate them all at once, but will I make for a good bride?
《I don’t know!!! You’re a man!!!》

The great Lord Onion!
《Who’s the onion!!》

Now kiss me! Let’s get married right away!
《Who’ll do that! Uugh! Ralrun’s going to be beheaded now!!!》

From Your Beloved Ralrun
《I don’t want your love!》

Commander-in-Chief Buglatt, who read this report, abandoned the invasion, thinking there was no doubt that there was a virus spreading on Earth, resulting in an outbreak of a large number of homos.
Thus, Ralrun, left in the lurch, protected the peace on Earth.

The End


T/N-

1. Raw says dono (殿). It’s an archaic way of calling someone, similar to -san.

2. He says 貴様(kisama), a pretty rude way of addressing someone inferior. He refers to Ralrun in such a manner throughout the story.

3. He uses ワシ(washi) to refer to himself. It’s normally used by the elderly though (lol).

4. Remember Tsundere? It’s the dere from that. Basically, he’s suddenly acting lovestruck.

5. A type of sweet rice wine used in cooking.

41F789AD-329A-46C5-A721-3AEE1F05EBD6

6. You might know it, but cicada make and sometimes annoying shrill noise (like crickets). He’s saying that Ralrun’s ‘Mirin Mirin’ sounds like that.

7. Meat and Potato Stew

.53CAFEEF-A91E-4A83-B90F-CCD1DFC1487F

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